Predictions 1-10
- Sick and tired of hearing the same urban legend year after year from idiots that confuse song
lyrics with reality, Johnny Cash will finally shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
- Oklahoma will decriminalize the possession and sale of less than an ounce of oolong tea, oregano,
mullein or rosemary, as long as the possessor or seller isn't wearing a hemp shirt in excess of
the legal limit of XX-Large.
- Kimonos made from recycled cardboard fiber, worn with a burlap obi, will be the fashion rage.
-
As people continue to buy and purchase SUVs and fill-size pickups, the demand for oil will continue
to increase. The new status credit card -- beyond Gold and Platinum -- will be the Petroleum Card.
- In October of 2000, the always-siding-with-the-influential World Intellectual Property Organization
(WIPO) allowed the singer Madonna to evict the domain holder of madonna.com. He was labeled a
cybersquatter, in spite of the fact that the word madonna is also common outside pop music
circles. In 2001, in an effort to appear to side with the little guy for once, WIPO will help a
New Orleans streetcorner R&B musician who calls himself Lord God Almighty to evict owners of every
domain that include the words Lord, God and Almighty. Just to be safe, the Roman Catholic Church will
also be evicted from www.vatican.va.
- A retired auto worker turned amateur astronomer living in Michigan will make history when -- after
making minor adjustments to a single side band radio -- he single-handedly discovers sentient life
on the Florida peninsula.
- Under the leadership of President Bush, Congress will revise FCC sponsorship regulations to exempt
government from requirements that listeners and viewers be informed about who sponsors programs and by whom
they are being persuaded. Thus, the law will no longer be violated the next time the White House
Office of National Drug Control Policy secretly pays the networks to include anti-drug messages in
prime time programming.
- Early in 2001, the last ten million dollar payment by Colombian drug lords -- megawealthy as a result
of the drug war -- will be deposited in a Swiss bank account registered to outgoing Drug Czar Barry
McCaffrey for "services rendered". He will barely live long enough to enjoy it however since, later
in the year, as a result of blood alcohol levels exceeding .20, McCaffrey will run a red light and
plow into a mini-van, killing himself and a family of five.
- After dozens of murders and other incidents during the past few years, major news outlets will
increase the number of stories about the dangers of workplace violence. They'll initiate a crusade,
demanding that
something be done about it. Various experts will put together lists of warning signs to
assist management and co-workers in identifying employees who may become violent. Depending on the
list, the profile of a potentially dangerous employee will include: the wearing of dark clothes;
rejecting sports or other social conventions; ear or other body piercings; listening to heavy
metal bands or shock rock; behaving individualistically; engaging in non-traditional recreation;
speaking honestly; favoring environmental causes; dark brooding mood swings;
being abrasive; owning firearms; enjoying violent video games or movies; and the use of
computers, especially to access the Internet. Concerned citizens will begin to demand that video
surveillance and metal detectors be installed and that uniformed police officers be stationed in
halls and lobbies of all businesses.
- Using a cell phone or operating a PDA or other computer device while operating a motor vehicle will
become illegal across most of the US. While driving, it will also be unlawful in most states to:
apply makeup; shave; brush your teeth; fiddle with the car radio; consume a Big Mac, fry and drink;
slap the noisy brats in the back seat; and reload a weapon between drive-by shootings.
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