Predictions 11-20
- Afraid that the Bush Administration will invite oil drilling off their coastlines,
Washington and Oregon will cooperate in a venture to
fill the Columbia River Gorge with wind generators. They will reduce to zero the taxes of any
OR- or WA-based power or manufacturing company that participates in the project. Within three
years, the investment will begin to pay off in a surplus of incredibly cheap electricity, cleaner
air, and renewed interest in a proven environmentally-correct technology that was abandoned after
1936 as the result of the Rural Electrification Act.
- Senator Strom Thurmond will confide in a few trusted buddies that once -- while inspecting
Andersonville Prison as a lieutenant in the Confederate Army in 1864 -- he kicked a Union prisoner
to death, just to watch him die.
- Microsoft will release a new version of the popular Outlook email client. It
will be similar to the previous version, but with enhanced Help functions. If the user
opens executable email attachments, the paper clip or other animated character will defecate a large
steaming mass while saying "Sure ya wanna do that, ya freaking moron?"
- During 2000, Warner Brothers' legal department contacted hundreds of unofficial
Harry Potter fan web
site owners, demanding that they turn over their domain names to the company, which is making a
film based on the popular book series. In 2001, Internet users and other Harry Potter fans
around the world will band together to fight back with bombings and other terrorist incidents against
of WB and America Online facilities. AOL will lose ISP market share and users start
switching to more mature ISPs in protest. As the Potter film is successfully boycotted, theaters will
stay empty until the president of AOL Time Warner meets three demands: (1) Returns the
fan site domains to their rightful owners; (2) Publicly admit that his company ought to get stuffed; and
(3) Flies those with the most popular sites to New York City where, at high noon in Times Square, he'll
kiss their asses.
- Under the wise council of VP Dick Cheney, President Bush will send US troops to South
Africa to restore white rule and put Nelson Mandela back in prison "where terrorists belong".
As in 1986, when Cheney voted against a sense-of-the-House resolution calling on the
white-controlled government in South Africa to free Mandela, he and the American public will
be on opposite sides of the moral fence. After 15 days, the soldiers will be called back, a
direct result a special live episode of Face The Nation, during which Colin Powell will break
Cheney's neck with his bare hands.
- The FBI will develop a black box to be co-located in post offices, designed to
dispatch hundreds of small robots to surreptitiously open envelopes, upload the contents to
FBI computers, and reseal them. Having been criticized by the seemingly hostile implications of
the word 'Carnivore', FBI will name this new program Friendly Little Mail Readers. A
group of ex-defense contractor government lackey experts will be asked to study the robots
and report on possible Fourth Amendment privacy implications. They won't find a thing wrong
with the new technology.
- There will be several outbreaks of human spongiform encephalopathy, a.k.a. mad-kid disease.
As a result, the common practice of supplementing school lunch programs with the carcasses of
fellow students will be greatly curtailed.
- Kurst, Russia will become the sandwich capital of the world, bringing foreign diners and
much-needed tourist dollars into the country. The most popular variety will be the Oscar Mayer
II Class Submarine, made with a variety of deli meats and cheeses on a dark rye roll. When
submerged, the sandwich will discharge pickle spears, which will circle around and blow holes
in itself.
- There will be a health scare over genetically modified grain used in foods for human consumption.
The Food and Drug Administration will study the problem for a couple weeks, then inform the public that
nobody eats even the organic versions of einkorn, spelt or kamut, let alone genetically modified versions.
Concerned citizens will have to find something else to worry about.
- The Irish contribution to the International Space Station will be successfully orbited and added
to the station's growing bulk. The PUB Pod (Platform: Usquebaugh, Belligerency) will provide
astronauts and cosmonauts a welcome diversion from the grind of daily life aboard ISS.
|
