17Aug98: What Clinton Said / What Clinton Meant

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17Aug98: What Clinton Said / What Clinton Meant

Additions by: The Sceptic | 20Aug1998

Clin·ton·esque (klîn-ten-èsk) adjective
1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of William Jefferson Clinton and his bold-faced lies.
2. Characterized by the willingness to dissemble -- especially to the American public.
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."

Good evening. I don't know what's good about it, but anyway…

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. And that may be all the truth you'll hear uttered in this whole speech.

I answered their questions truthfully, ...
including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.
As opposed to the other way I have of answering questions.
And gee whiz! It was sure unpleasant.

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. But bear with me. I'll get around to blaming someone else.

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. To wit, I lied by combining verbal hair-splitting with half-truths.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. Sort of like using a salad fork for the main course would be 'not appropriate' and 'wrong'. Like no big deal, right? In fact, lets vague this up even more…

But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. Yep! That's what I told all of you. Suggesting to Monica that if she gave the gifts to my secretary, she could truthfully say she didn't have any, isn't 'unlawful'. That's not hiding evidence exactly, by a strict interpretation of the word 'hide'.

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that. When I said, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky," I may have left you with a false impression. Besides, it doesn't really count as sex because it was oral. And even if you consider that to be sex, it still shouldn't count because she didn't 'inhale' -- if you know what I mean. If she had, there wouldn't be that damned stain on her dress.

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I mean, look at her! She might have been the sort of girl I wouldn't mind being seen with in downtown Little Rock, but I'm the president now!

I was also very concerned about protecting my family...
The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.
It was possible that they didn't yet realize what a lying sack of shit I am.
My theory is that it's OK to dissemble to your heart's content, as long as you claim that you don't like the motivations behind the lawsuit.

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago. I have successfully concealed criminal activity in the past. Why not now?

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation. If the son-of-a-bitch had just talked to people who have never met me, about events that are unrelated to anything I've ever been involved with, this wouldn't have happened.

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people...
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God...
I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.
Sure, my drawn-out court challenges have been tedious, but you taxpayers are footing the bill.
And if I say it's between us and God, that should pretty much take the American justice system out of it.
Except the right thing, which is quit -- and leave that zombie Gore in charge? Right!

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours. If I keep saying it, you'll probably eventually believe it. I learned about the Big Lie from an ex-chancellor of Germany.

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life. My private life, anyway. If government decides to interfere with your private behavior, that's altogether different.

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do. Kindly forget what I said before about taking 'complete responsibility'.

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on. We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face. In fact, what if we just changed the subject with a little military action? So what that you can't trust my word? So what that my innate gift of doublespeak is so well known, it has become a joke. Is that really a big deal?

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century. I promise not to bring it up again if you don't. OK?

Thank you for watching. And good night. As long as the economy and other factors that I really have no control over stay healthy, you'll support me in the polls and I'll still be a gold-plated stud who can do whatever I want.

What do you mean pay? I didn't pay for it
before and I don't intend to now!

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Good evening.	I don't know what's good about it, but anyway…
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.	And that may be all the truth you'll hear uttered in this whole speech.
I answered their questions truthfully, ... including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.	As opposed to the other way I have of answering questions. And gee whiz! It was sure unpleasant.
Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.	But bear with me. I'll get around to blaming someone else.
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.	To wit, I lied by combining verbal hair-splitting with half-truths.
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.	Sort of like using a salad fork for the main course would be 'not appropriate' and 'wrong'. Like no big deal, right? In fact, lets vague this up even more…
But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.	Yep! That's what I told all of you. Suggesting to Monica that if she gave the gifts to my secretary, she could truthfully say she didn't have any, isn't 'unlawful'. That's not hiding evidence exactly, by a strict interpretation of the word 'hide'.
I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.	When I said, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky," I may have left you with a false impression. Besides, it doesn't really count as sex because it was oral. And even if you consider that to be sex, it still shouldn't count because she didn't 'inhale' -- if you know what I mean. If she had, there wouldn't be that damned stain on her dress.
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.	I mean, look at her! She might have been the sort of girl I wouldn't mind being seen with in downtown Little Rock, but I'm the president now!
I was also very concerned about protecting my family... The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.	It was possible that they didn't yet realize what a lying sack of shit I am. My theory is that it's OK to dissemble to your heart's content, as long as you claim that you don't like the motivations behind the lawsuit.
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.	I have successfully concealed criminal activity in the past. Why not now?
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.	If the son-of-a-bitch had just talked to people who have never met me, about events that are unrelated to anything I've ever been involved with, this wouldn't have happened.
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people... Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God... I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.	Sure, my drawn-out court challenges have been tedious, but you taxpayers are footing the bill. And if I say it's between us and God, that should pretty much take the American justice system out of it. Except the right thing, which is quit -- and leave that zombie Gore in charge? Right!
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.	If I keep saying it, you'll probably eventually believe it. I learned about the Big Lie from an ex-chancellor of Germany.
Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life.	My private life, anyway. If government decides to interfere with your private behavior, that's altogether different.
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.	Kindly forget what I said before about taking 'complete responsibility'.
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on. We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.	In fact, what if we just changed the subject with a little military action? So what that you can't trust my word? So what that my innate gift of doublespeak is so well known, it has become a joke. Is that really a big deal?
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.	I promise not to bring it up again if you don't. OK?
Thank you for watching. And good night.	As long as the economy and other factors that I really have no control over stay healthy, you'll support me in the polls and I'll still be a gold-plated stud who can do whatever I want.