High School Game Influenced by Heathenism

By: The Essayist | 08September2000

"And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men."

-- Jesus in Gospel according to Matthew, Chapter 6

School-sponsored Christian prayer during happier times. DIRT FALLS, TX "It was horrible, just horrible," SuzyJo Kitchens says -- tears forming in her honest Christian eyes -- as she recounts the events of last Saturday night. "It just ruined the game, and with our Lord sitting right there in the stands with us, too." The game to which SuzyJo refers was the high school football game between the Dirt Falls Soiltenders and neighboring Dry Hole's team, the Hooligans. The specific Lord she means is the Lord Jesus Christ, who attended the season opener last Saturday. "It had all been arranged," SuzyJo's husband, Kenneth explains. "Pastor Meaner contacted Jesus two weeks ago. Pastor promised Him that all us Dirt Falls fans would publicly and fervently pray the Lord's Prayer before the game, and beseech Him to lead the Soiltenders to victory over the Hooligans. Then that goddamn multicultural center screwed it all up." Dirt Falls High School fans never got a chance to ask for that blessing. As a result, the Dry Hole Hooligans overwhelmed the Dirt Fall Soiltenders, 28 to 8. Joe Meaner, pastor of the Dirt Falls Southern Baptist Church and local representative for We Still Pray -- a group of school prayer proponents -- had worked all summer to facilitate 'spontaneous' student- and fan-led prayer to Christ as a display of support for religious liberties in America. The Supreme Court has determined that schools may not facilitate prayer at school events. It has been a long time tradition in many Bible belt communities to invite local ministers or student leaders to recite a public prayer before football games. For a publicly funded school to do so, Supreme Court justices have ruled, promotes one religious belief system over another, in violation of the First Amendment to the US Constitution. Unfortunately, Jesus was on hand that day to witness the heathen spectacle. We Still Pray, No Pray-No Play and similar organizations feel that schools can bypass these Court decisions and remain within the law by marketing T-shirts that advocate a return to traditional Christian practices in the schools and coordinating spontaneous prayers at sporting events . We Still Pray also seeks to amend the Constitution. Unfortunately for the good Christian folk of Dirt Falls, a troublemaking idolator named Sam Dongle had other plans. While good Pastor Meaner was facilitating the prayer and arranging for Christ to witness the team spirit and piety of the Dirt Falls faithful, Dongle -- coordinator of the Dirt Falls Multicultural Center -- was arranging another display of religion. "We thought we'd got rid of that pagan bastard when the town council voted to buy that building the Buddhists were squatting in for twice what it was worth," Kenneth Kitchens explains. "Dongle was one of them. From what I hear, they bought a new one in Dry Hole. He was already running that multicultural center. We sorta hoped he would close it down and go with them -- but I guess it's not that far to drive there for church or whatever they do for worship." "Demons is what they worship," SuzyJo adds. "That's why we ran them out of town." "So that Dongle," Kenneth continues. "I hear he used to be a lawyer with the UCLA or ACLU or something. He's got after-school activities for kids, stuff for people of all ages and programs throughout the summer for anybody who can't find better things to do. I just know they are brainwashing children and the people from the old folks home who go down there about false gods and such. I have forbid our boys Jed and Fred from going in that place. I mean, isn't it bad enough that we have that Father O'Cleary in town doing mass every week with all the other papist bastards at Saint Anne's?" SuzyJo tells what happened on Saturday. "All of us were ready to do the prayer right after the national anthem. But soon as it was over, there was this commotion at the sidelines. Dongle's godless heathens came running out and we were so horrified, we didn't know what to do. There was some Indian woman from the reservation dancing around with a feather. Some of them started bowing to the east. Others were in Hindu costumes and dancing. Can you believe that? Dancing. There was drumming and chanting and all kinds of nonsense. It only probably lasted three minutes, but next thing we knew, both teams were all running out to the field and the game started. It was too late." Kenneth added, "It's truly sad when people take their good Christian children to a football game, only to be exposed to those sorts of satanic practices. What's next? Will the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses start sharing their so-called faith with the rest of us too?" Sam Dongle couldn't be reached before press time, but a spokeswoman from the Dirt Falls Multicultural Center who identified herself as Looking Glass spoke with us by telephone. She told us -- obviously lying through her teeth -- that they hadn't been aware that a public Christian prayer had been planned, that the presentation hadn't been intended to be religious in nature, and in any case, that it was done with the full cooperation of Dirt Falls High School principal Shorty Jensen. Principal Jensen didn't return our phone calls requesting an interview. When asked to comment on the failed attempt at a public prayer, Jesus Christ said, "I should be disappointed that they didn't pull a Pharisee?" Also see... A Little Bit of Inquisition (And They Called It America) Note On Satire