Hitler Supports Ban of His Autobiography

In an interview with the ex-Chancellor of Germany, Adolph Hitler told Unquietmind that he "fully supports" online bookstore Amazon's above-and-beyond cooperation with German censorship laws that ban Mein Kampf. His autobiography and political manifesto was dictated to fellow Nazi Rudolph Hess while they shared a prison cell between 1923 and 1924. The German-language edition, along with all hate literature, is banned in Germany, but a recent Amazon ban on shipping Mein Kampf to Germany involves English-language editions. He spoke with us in the secret Antarctica retreat he shares with automobile manufacturer and Nazi death camp financier Henry Ford and Pope Pius XII. "Let me tell you, in my day we burned many books," Hitler gloated. "I'm proud the German government has kept that tradition." Our reporter pointed out the irony that this censorship involved his own book. "Since many of my countrymen read English, actually dieses ist gut -- and I would like to see the ban extended to all the world," the ex-dictator responded. "In this day, it is better that the volk do not understand my reasoning." In Mein Kampf -- which means 'My Struggle' -- Hitler divides humans into categories based on physical appearance. The top rung, according to the book, is the Germanic man with his fair skin, blond hair and blue eyes, i.e., the Aryan. On the bottom rung he places the Jews, whom he accuses of conducting an international conspiracy to control world finances, inventing liberal democracy and Marxism, and promoting prostitution and vice. Throughout his autobiography, Hitler refers to Jews as parasites, liars, dirty, crafty, maggots, repulsive, monsters, spongers, eternal bloodsuckers and the mortal enemy of Aryan humanity. Mein Kampf also includes the blueprint of Hitler's rise to power. As Führer, he subjugated the Slavic races and exterminated an estimated six million Jews, Jehovah's Witnesses, homosexuals and others he considered to be sub-human. "Having explicitly warned the world about my bloodthirsty plans for domination, it was pure glück that what I wrote was completely ignored until it was too late," the sadistic wretch told our interviewer. With a gleam of mad hysteria in his eye, he added, "Come to think of it, it was actually pretty stupid for me to publish all that stuff." The aging expatriate explained further, "You must understand that it is one thing to say 'Hitler was a bad man' or 'Hitler was responsible for numerous atrocities', but quite another thing to have the opportunity to understand the basis for my actions. As far as the world is concerned, Hitler is dead. At 110 years old, I'm certainly not in a position to attempt a political comeback. However, as people grow more ignorant of my opinions and motives, the wider the door opens for someone to come to power with the same opinions and -- following them to their logical consequences -- finish what I began." "There ought to be limits to freedom. We're aware of this site, and this guy is just a garbage man, that's all he is." -- George W. Bush discussing the parody web site www.gwbush.com Pope Pius XII (left), Henry Ford (right) and Adolph Hitler share a quiet evening in their secret Antarctica retreat. "Censorship of unpopular ideas is a good first step, for it also precludes the concept that people should do their own thinking and come to their own conclusions based on all the evidence. The assumption behind government censorship is that the common rabble is not responsible enough, and that nobler minds should be able to decide for them. As you know, this attitude worked very well for my regime. I'm proud of the American company Amazon for taking the next step. I can only dream that this indicates that the United States -- the only real world power left -- is preparing to build the Fourth Reich." When our reporter explained that this seemed unlikely, the vicious anti-Semite spat back, "You think so, do you? Maybe you should take a look at who you have running in your precious democratic election for president." When asked for specific examples, Hitler seemed gleeful at the opportunity to explain. "I like your George W. Bush for his attempts to censor those who embarrass him on the Web. First, his political campaign engages in massive cyber-squatting in an attempt to control every domain name that could be used against the candidate. But they miss one and now his campaign attorneys are harassing the owner -- a man who has so far succeeded in making Bush look ridiculous." "Unfortunately, if Bush is unwilling to send his brownshirts against his enemy, I can't see a real future for him. Besides, he is a spoiled brat who has been given everything he ever had, and we never tolerated anybody in the Party who abused drugs. They were taken out and shot like dogs." "There were no politics to polarize us then, to magnify every slight. The 'negroes' of Washington had their public schools, restaurants, bars, movie houses, playgrounds and churches; and we had ours." --- Pat Buchanan, Right from the Beginning "On the other hand, Patrick Buchanan is a great admirer of me -- and I of him," the bloodstained barbarian added. "He shares my views on Jews, Blacks and homosexuals. I see a lot of promise in his attitude, if he can just manage to get elected. " "Homosexuality is not a civil right. Its rise almost always is accompanied, as in the Weimar Republic, with a decay of society and a collapse of its basic cinder block, the family." -- Pat Buchanan, 1977 Our interviewer also asked Hitler about the recent controversy raised when the Simon Wiesenthal Center embarked on a high-level campaign to pressure Internet sites like eBay to refrain from selling Nazi memorabilia. "Jüdisch schwein!" he responded, flailing his fists in the air. "However, I'm afraid that I agree with them, although for completely different reasons." When asked to elucidate, the ravening Austrian lunatic rationalized, "Children are being raised by television. They are losing their ability to discriminate between historical fact and entertaining fiction. As long as a person cannot put his hands on an actual artifact from what you call the 'Holocaust', he will not be entirely sure that it happened." "Vote Pat Buchanan for President," the butcher of millions exclaimed. "He is a man who says what he means, and means what he says!" "Now leave me. I'm missing Hogan's Heroes." "...an individual of great courage...Hitler's success was not based on his extraordinary gifts alone. His genius was an intuitive sense of the mushiness, the character flaws, the weakness masquerading as morality that was in the hearts of the statesmen who stood in his path." -- Pat Buchanan, 1977

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