Let the truth be told that we are radically confused about our place in the social world. After 150 years of women's struggle for emancipation, men have yet to catch up and John Grey's best-selling books aren't helping the situation any.

According to Mr. Grey, of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" fame, we are still back in the cave days. Men's place is to please a woman and all women have to do is wait around to be pleased. I wish. What Mr.Grey has yet to weigh is that women have changed by force of their own freedoms. We're also having most of the fun. We wear pants, fix cars, golf, fly jets, sky dive, sell industrial equipment and get the Madonna-on-a-pedestal role to boot. We have become well rounded and want men to come play with us.

But, no -- time stands still in Masculine Land. The majority of American men don't wear skirts, wouldn't be caught dead baking a cake and their sons don't play with dolls. The only exception seems to be that men have stopped being aggressive when it comes to "dating." That's a pre-60's term that means two people going out to the movies or to dinner repeatedly, for those of you who have forgotten.

The post-sexual revolution scene is a mess in this age of AIDS. We used to meet at bars, get laid and if everything was copasetic, a relationship was born. If not, C'est La Vie. Maybe we'd meet at school, a place where most of us aren't now, or at a party (remember them?) Ah! The good ol' days. Or were they?

Then, women weren't asking men out. We allowed ourselves to be "taken." Today, we're tired of waiting around. We can do the calling, but if we listen to John Grey, we are undermining men's primitive nature - that of the Hunter.

Sure, he says, a man will be flattered and may take a woman up on her offer, but in the long run, Caveman will feel pussy-whipped, demeaned and just plain useless. Of course, Mr. Grey still believes that if a woman has intercourse before marriage, a man will never marry her. He and Dr. Laura should go out. That's not to say men don't still feel this way. Many idiots do.

Are you, dear Caveman, still looking for the Virgin Goddess, svelte and sleek and divine? A flawless wonder of beauty? Someone from "Penthouse," perhaps, who can cook up a storm on command? Let's get real. Single parents generally look like toast warmed over with a wardrobe to match: sweats, sneakers and a haircut months overdue.

Look in the mirror right now. Go ahead. I'll wait. Who do you see? You're bright, well educated, work fifty hours a week and still take care of the kids? Look in your closet. Is this a man stepping out of the pages of "GQ" or do you reflect the GO-GO-GO-CAN'T-SEEM-TO-CATCH-UP lifestyle of the '90s? Reality reflected.

I'm going to tell you a secret. Women see you all over town -- in the grocery, the gas station, parent's association meetings, clubs, restaurants, volunteer groups and at night school. What do you do? Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. No wonder you're spending Saturdays watching videos alone, snatching kernels of popcorn off your shirt.

I look for a friendly face first, no longer stuck on the Grecian God my spring chicken self would claim no less in the past - I'm lucky to find a sober guy with a Ford. I talk. I talk to people in the outside world all the time. I'm good looking, slim, funny and have many discreet talents, but I scare men. They say I'm "too independent." They say I "want to be a man."

This is because I am capable. This is because I am able to take care of myself. This is because I refuse to bat my eyelashes and beg for help. If I did use my "feminine wiles" I'd be told, "Hey, you're so liberated -do it yourself." Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

Now, fellas, I'm aware you are in this same boat. If you are "sensitive," a quality women are begging for, you may be branded as a sissy. That's not women talking. That's your own gender. Ignore them. They'll go away and you'll be the most sought after cock in the hen house.

No, I don't "need" a man, but having one sure makes life more interesting, especially in the boudoir. Do you agree? Yes/No/Maybe So. Then get out of the house and start talking -- while goosing fruit at the grocery, standing in line, socializing in church or hanging out with a hammer at Habitat. Then, ask that nice woman in the kid-splashed clothes out. Live like a pirate! Take the plunge! There are thousands of women waiting for you, Prince Charming.