Fantasies, Dark Secrets and Rape
What men would rather women didn't knowBy: Vindictive | 13July2000
I first learned about Samantha Maher on Friday from a sign posted in
the entrance of a grocery store. She was 22 and pretty. She left work
to go to classes at the local university, but never made it to the
school. Her husband and family were worried, since it was "out of
character" for her to be out of contact.
On Saturday, a local man named Darrell Payne called his wife from a motel room in an adjoining state. He told her he had killed a woman and where to find the body. It had been left in a "waste pit" behind a dairy barn near their home. Payne had abducted Ms Maher in a park adjoining the campus, handcuffed her, snuffed out her life with a gunshot to her head, then dumped her in the shit hole. Apparently panicked, he had driven her car hundreds of miles to the motel. Autopsy results aren't back yet, so it isn't yet clear whether Payne also raped Samantha Maher, but that was undoubtedly his intent. Besides the murder, he has reportedly confessed to being the culprit in the sexual assault and rape of two 14-year-old girls in another park less than a month ago, as well as another rape. During the past four days, I have overheard or participated in several discussions with other guys about this rape and what we would do to Payne, each conversation seemingly more graphic than the last. There is an instinct built into us -- a combination of protectiveness, loathing and unfettered brutality -- which makes us wish we could spend even just a few minutes with a rapist, unattended and not be held responsible once we had "taken care of the problem." I never met Ms Maher. To me, she was just a picture of an attractive young woman on a poster. Nevertheless, I cried when I heard the news on Saturday. I would pay good money to take out my rage on the person of Darrell Edward Payne. In the movie that runs in my head, I would be armed with nothing more than my own fists and my waterpump pliers. However, (my civilized self tells me) that wouldn't be justice, would it? There are days when I think it would be.
In spite of the subtitle I've hung on this piece, I probably shouldn't claim to speak for all men in general. Unfortunately, I have known enough of them to believe I'm speaking for many of us when I say that -- sometimes, under certain conditions -- our fantasies about sex are very different than they are for women. Of course, there is our boorish and crude comments, common among lowbrowed neanderthals like myself. Until my side of the race evolves beyond it, that's probably inevitable. However, there is also an occasional unsettling version of that conversation that goes beyond the pale. More times than I can remember, I have heard men refer to it, usually in low voices, mostly jokingly -- but not 100%. I have considered it myself a couple times, albeit (I believe) half-heartedly. I have entertained dark and malevolent fantasies that included rape itself. Like I wrote above, I probably hang with a different crowd than you do, so -- if you are a guy -- this is where you tell yourself that you're not like that at all! You are better, more enlightened, religious, moral and civilized. You respect women too much for that. You have -- by God -- never even considered raping someone. Not in your wildest dreams. Whatever you say, chum. I'm not really writing this for you anyway.
Given this forum and with the relative anonymity of the Internet working for me, I'm writing this for and to women in general. I am doing so primarily because knowledge is power. I believe that all women would be better off if they understood the plain fact that in our hearts, many -- if not most -- men have a submerged potential for the mindboggling brutality of rape. I have never seen this documented or discussed elsewhere by a man. There is feminist literature that alludes to this phenomenon, but it is automatically suspect for the same reason that you won't get the most accurate information about Catholicism by asking a Baptist. I do not mean to suggest that most men are rapists waiting for an opportunity. I do not believe we are, but for the sake of self-respect (i.e., I hope I'm not that unusually vile), I do believe that most are capable of considering it. I'm talking about something that is beyond common lust. Probably all men (if only momentarily) fancy an in-and-out session with a beautiful stranger, with her full-fledged cooperation. I don't believe I have ever for the briefest moment considered raping a friend or stranger. Even within the iniquitous realm of brutal fantasy, rape is still a crime of violence and expression of hatred toward the victim. The victims in the few rape fantasies I have entertained were women I found both physically attractive and malicious. Rape (in my imagination) was the way to "make them pay" by the most cruel method available to a man. In spite of these infrequent lapses into the most base fantasies that I can imagine, I consider myself a good person, enlightened, moral and civilized. I work for a living and pay my taxes. I love and have been loved. I respect women in general and several in particular. People who know me well trust me -- even women. Maybe the rapist, Darrell Payne also thinks he's a real sweetheart too. I don't know, don't care. So, what's the difference between me -- infrequent wanderer into the makebelieve land of rape -- and Darrell Payne? Well, for one, I've never raped anybody. From a moral standpoint, you might judge me for ever having considered it. But from a practical standpoint, Payne and I aren't even the same species. He has violated innocent children. He has killed (and possibly raped, which becomes secondary) a woman at random, who could have never done anything that could be remotely considered against him. I fear for women in general because I know a lot of guys. If I -- a good person in my own eyes -- have fantasized about rape, what of those I've met whom I wouldn't want to introduce to my sister? My female friends and non-acquaintances: Now that I've spilled it, I don't know what can or should be done with this knowledge. I hate to introduce more mistrust into the human equation, but I have always had faith that we find better solutions by working from a position of truth than by working from invalid assumptions. I have told you the truth as I see it. It was my moral imperative.
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