The Most Intimate Kiss

By: The Mystic | 12February2001

Ladies: Bear in mind that this article is written to and for men ...not that I expect this to stop you from reading it, of course.             Clinton's Legacy As likable as Bill Clinton might have been, perhaps even a "good president" (whatever that means to people who believe he was), Ken Starr's report on Clinton's behavior didn't increase its average reader's respect for the man. To be somewhat fair, if a special persecutor with a large budget looked into every aspect of your life or mine, followed our acquaintances around with hidden tape recorders and wrote reports, we probably wouldn't exactly come out looking like saints. What that old puritan Ken Starr did to Clinton was not only disgusting and dehumanizing, it was also particularly entertaining... at least to those who have little respect for authority figures in any case. When all was said and done, the preponderance of evidence presented about how Bill Clinton treated Monica Lewinski -- both during and after their relationship -- indicates that the man was an exceptionally self-serving swine. Rather than telling the nosy press It's none of your fucking business or proudly declaring that yes, he had spent quality time with an intern, he had the audacity to tell the world, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinski" and lied under oath like a cur. I don't say Bill Clinton is a pig because he lied to the public, or because he perjured himself in court. I say it because he may have been telling the truth from his own perspective. His assertion that oral sex isn't sex -- an opinion that many young people now parrot -- may be true, given the details of what happened between him and Ms Lewinski. For all of the times that POTUS was sexually serviced by a woman young enough to be his daughter, in the workplace, sometimes while he was on the telephone... what did she get out of it? According to the Starr Report, Ms Lewinski had her breasts fondled and was "manually stimulated" a few times. She also had a somewhat unique experience with a presidential cigar. In any case, each episode ended with the young woman more sexually frustrated than it began -- all because the pig to whom she offered herself doesn't believe turnabout to be fair play. For whatever reason, a lot of people seem to have decided that minors and young adults engaging in sexual activity is news, so the focus of a lot of new reports is on what high school and college students are doing. On the bright side, there does seem to be a lot of oral sex going on. Sadly, however, not a whole lot of it is being performed by men on women. The majority of reports indicate that the type of oral sex practiced by teenagers and those in their twenties is overwhelmingly fellatio, not cunnilingus. How fair is that? Unquestionably Sex I will not attempt to refute Wild Bill's contention that what Monica did to and for him wasn't sex. Maybe he's had better. However, I would challenge any man to get lip-deep and better into a woman and slowly, carefully bring her to a soul-grinding orgasm, then afterward claim that what he did was not sex. Cunnilingus is as intimate as it gets; if performed properly, it is certainly more intimate and 'sexual' than is the pitifully brief missionary-position-only activity some couples seem to think is sex. I don't know what women think about the relationship between fellatio and intimacy. However, any man who puts patience, time and energy into that deepest and most intimate of kisses called cunnilingus will not only be willing to swear before Congress on a whole pile of religious documents that he has well and truly had sex, the woman in his life will know she has had sex too... finally. That aforementioned challenge is why I am writing this. It seems to me that a lot of guys are getting blown, while the women aren't getting anything in return and that bothers the hell out of me. It is simply not fair. There are several reasons for this injustice, including the simple fact that society is still geared to what men want because most of them are selfish pricks. Much as I'd like to, I can't fix society. But if you haven't been doing your share of muff diving because you are afraid, or unsure of yourself, or just don't realize that she probably wants you to do that for her more than you can possibly imagine, maybe I can help. Flowers or chocolates are nice. Dinner and a show is sweet. But at the end of the day, if you want her to have had an incredibly good time with you -- one which she will share with her grandchildren (OK, maybe not) -- what she really needs from you is cunnilingus. That doesn't mean one time, either. The first time can be pretty good, but not as sweet as the fifth time, or the fiftieth. I can help get you started and I'll give you a few things to consider, but Brother, I can't do her for you. You're going to have to get in there and -- if you've never tried this before -- just take care of her the best you'll know how after reading this. The key to proficiency is patience and practice, practice, practice... The Deed The following isn't intended to be a complete how-to guide to cunnilingus. Good sex is experimental. What you and your partner find to be comfortable (and alternatively, exciting) will probably be different from what that couple in the other apartment is doing when you hear them banging on the walls. The Deed: Attitude In my opinion, the mouth is merely the second most important sex organ. The most important sex organ is the brain. Good sex is the result of creativity, experimentation, respect and careful consideration of your lover's wishes and needs, and being alert enough to take cues from muscle twitches and changes in breathing -- all of which requires using your brain. More than any of that, however, good sex requires a good attitude. With cunnilingus, the correct attitude is: Don't treat it like foreplay or (worse) something you are doing "in exchange" for a blowjob! Good sex of any kind is a matter of giving, not exchanging. So don't think that the reason you are going down on her is to get her excited enough to 'need' whatever you consider normal sex. If you do your job right, she might want it (after she's had time to recover), but she won't 'need it' because you will have satisfied her completely. (Of course, a lot of women like to be 'satisfied completely' several times at a session.) I would suggest that the first few times you lick bush -- or at least for the maiden voyage -- you explain to her what you intend to do, what you hope to accomplish (an orgasm or three), and come to an understanding with her that afterward you will be too tired for further activity. Then stick with the plan. This will demonstrate to her that you care more about her orgasms than your own. (If you don't care about her orgasms, I suggest you either reassess your priorities or kill yourself. There are already enough men like you. Oddly enough, there are also a lot of unsatisfied women.) After you have gained some competence, eating pussy might be part of a complete (breakfast?) session of sexual activity, but never think that cunnilingus is anything less than sex -- in and of itself -- not an activity that leads up to sex. When you get that through your head, you will be half-way along the journey (seldom taken) towards being the competent lover your woman has always secretly hoped for. The Deed: Positions There are several positions that are appropriate for cunnilingus, three of which I will briefly discuss in the order in which I would suggest you try them (not necessarily all during the same session). Each has advantages and disadvantages, according to secondary considerations. (The primary consideration? Her orgasm, of course. Don't forget!) The first position I call 'The Meal'. It is most commonly performed with the woman at the edge of the bed and you on your knees. Hold her legs in place so she doesn't have to. The Meal can also happen at the dining table and with you in a chair, or with her on the couch and you kneeling in front of her, etc. If you opt for the dining room version, put some kind of padding (blankets or pillows) on the table. The primary advantage of The Meal is that it communicates to both of you that there's only one thing going on: you concentrating on her pleasure. She only has to lie back and enjoy it. The Meal is the perfect position for you to develop technique (covered later), which is why I suggest you make it your primary position, at least during the early experimental stages. The second is the 'Mustache Ride', with your woman positioned so she either faces your eyes or the rest of your body. I suggest that at least the first few times you give her a Mustache Ride, you do it so she can look into your eyes. Most women seem to like that while being munched. The advantage of the Mustache Ride is that it puts her in control of the pressure and area of contact. Don't be surprised if she eventually gets comfortable enough with this position of control to start shouting directives or suggestions like "Suck it up, boy" or whatever. The disadvantage of the Mustache Ride is that you may find yourself struggling for air, which is difficult if you are simultaneously trying to keep the rhythm going to achieve the objective. This is when having strong arms (and a woman who isn't heavy) may be useful, just to make enough of a crack (pun not intended) to get some air. The third position I call the 'Sixty-eight' (68). It is similar to a sixty-nine with the woman in the bottom position, except that your lower body should be to the side so -- like The Meal -- cunnilingus is the only activity happening while she just lies back to enjoy it. The advantage is that -- like The Meal -- it gives you a lot of control. Also, your tongue may reach different places -- or feel different getting there -- than you might have reached with The Meal. The disadvantage of the sixty-eight is that if it goes on for too long, you might find your neck muscles seriously aching from holding your head in that position. (In case you're wondering, I don't have anything against sixty-nine. It does, however, require you to concentrate on the proper goal while being actively distracted. It just seems better to me to become a competent pussy-eater first before moving on to sixty-nine.) The Deed: Technique There are a lot of ideas - cultural myths, mostly -- about the taste of a woman's vagina. These usually include a reference to seafood. I can't attest to the taste or smell of a woman who isn't particularly clean (and if that's your problem, maybe you need to consider who you doing). I can say, however, I detest fish. I won't eat it. As far as I'm concerned, fish and chips and anchovy pizza and fried catfish is served at every meal in hell. But I sincerely like the taste of pussy. The more aroused a woman is, the better she tastes. If it's your first time, you'll just have to dive in and find out for yourself. (Of course, you may want to shower together first after she's been dancing all evening in vinyl pants, or you've both been camping for a couple days away without running water. You'll need it more than she will.) 'Fencepainting' (licking up and down) is a start, but if that's all you do, your woman might get bored and start trying to figure out how to contact me (especially after that last paragraph). Don't let that happen! Vary your movements and pressure. Use your teeth (but not painfully so), your lips, your nose, even your breath in addition to your tongue. Move around. Use your finger tips. Experiment and when you do, ask what she liked or disliked about what you've just done to her. Big juicy 'ice cream cone' licks from stem to stern with a full wide flat tongue will stimulate all of her nerves. Make her feel delicious by going slow, then pull her in by speeding it up a little and focusing on her clitoris. Gently suck on her clit with a rhythmic tug of your lips for awhile, then take a slow loop around and between the labia, alternately fencepainting and licking horizontally, then back to her clitoris. Repeat as necessary. Try sucking a little harder and see if she likes it. Lick at it while maintaining the suction. While direct clit licking is too intense for some, the 'circles and eights' swirl of your tongue looping along the sides, around the top, and under her clitoris can be exquisite. Build up the intensity level of sensation slowly, but once you're into it, use your whole face. Bury your self in her pussy as far as possible. If your eyelids aren't sticky, you're not doing it right. Most women achieve an orgasm in response to rhythmic stimulation. If you're in the groove, and you can tell by her breathing that she is building up to one, don't suddenly change what you're doing. (The exception to this guideline, if you are good enough at the art, is what I call 'The Tease', in which you can successfully bring her close to orgasm several times until she finally can't help but explode.) There is a balance between variety and consistency that is key to becoming an oral expert. Find that balance. When you have finally brought her to orgasm with your mouth for the first time, your next move is so important it can nearly make or break the experience. A true orgasm will turn a woman into a single nerve, the whole of which is focused on one place. With cunnilingus, that one place will probably be her clitoris. Some women are hypersensitive at this point and any more stimulation -- especially of the aforementioned clitoris -- will be painful. If that is the case (and you should be sensitive enough to discern it), back off! She will want nothing more than to be held, gently but firmly, while she enjoys the moments. With other women, however, the journey from the first orgasm to the second is just a matter of you slowing the action of your lips and tongue to a crawl while she gasps, screams, spasms (whatever), then -- ever so slowly -- start building it back up again. The second orgasm can come almost immediately, or a few minutes later -- after which you can either try for a third, or take a break to hold her. Depending on your woman, you may be able to bring her to her first cunnilingus orgasm in a few minutes. Or you might work her over for a couple of hours the first time and never get her there. However long it takes, don't quit without taking her there unless she tells you to quit. If it doesn't happen right away, don't worry. Try again another day. If you are completely inexperienced (or under-experienced) at cunnilingus you may not realize until you are into it how much work it takes. If your tongue doesn't ache the first few times, you probably didn't work it hard enough. Considerations I am required by good sense to inform you -- in case you didn't know -- that most sexually transmitted diseases can also be spread by oral sex. If you are (or should be) concerned about disease, oral sex is not the same as safe sex. Consult with a nurse or medic for more information. Planned Parenthood is a good resource. Don't be shy; they like responsible people who ask direct questions. A few women are so shy about their own bodies that the thought of you staring them directly in the love nest is too painful to consider. A completely dark environment might help... or not. You might think it will be worth her while to "get over it", but that's not nearly as important as what she's comfortable with. After all, it's her body. Be patient. A few women are so physically sensitive, they do not enjoy the extremely intense sensation of being tongued and sucked. Other women like it, but only so much of it. While broaching the subject for the first time, don't be pushy. It may take awhile to determine whether she says she doesn't want to because she's merely shy (and will enjoy it, once she gets used to the idea), or maybe she really wouldn't like it at all. Long-nosed legislators are in the habit of attempting to regulate the private behavior of consenting adults. Consequently, in most States, oral sex is a felony under either sodomy statutes or "crime against nature" (which usually also includes bestiality and anal sex). Under normal circumstances, this is impossible to enforce, of course, but you should avoid mentioning the details of your sex life to law enforcement officials. Conclusion Bear in mind that -- properly performed -- cunnilingus can result in orgasms that are more intense than orgasms from the normal sort of copulation. It may also be helpful to remember that, sadly, many women have never had a mindblowingly wonderful orgasm as the result of the careful service of a kind and considerate man. With just a little work, you could be increasing the ambient happiness level of the entire planet.

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